things are not going well

things are not going well, he admits to his online journal. it is his first online journal - lots of last resorts have come to fruition lately, precisely because of how terribly things are going. he admits he is severely depressed and then goes on to explain to this online community things that he would not normally express, like how he secretly looked at self-help books in the library but was too embarrassed to check them out, like how he wants to have really rough sex to get his aggressions out, like how he spent the morning punching the wall after his parents had gone to work and the house was empty. now there was a hole in his bedroom.

examining his hands, he is reminded of a girl that he used to know in college. actually, he did not really know her, but he saw her around in classes and remembers getting stomach aches when he would see her bloody knuckles while she was taking notes (he always made a point to sit by her), indicating that she had a habit of punching hard surfaces - maybe concrete. it was something he had not understood until now. he thinks about how girls wear rings but men never really do unless they are married or are the creepy type, and he thinks about perhaps defying norms and purchasing many rings so that tomorrow, things could get really messy and all cut up.

later that day someone leaves a comment on his online journal entry. it says: "you need to get out of town. maybe go back to africa." he is shocked and instantly uncomfortable. how does this person know he went to africa in college? clearly it is someone who knows him and he is humiliated and deletes the online journal. he thinks about this recommendation. perhaps it is a genuine piece of advice, but when written down the words look like either a joke or an insult. good advice is hard to come by.

he suddenly recalls this experience he had in high school once. he was in this hippie class at a hippie school that involved ideas of changing the world. on the first day of this class they were instructed to write a phrase repeatedly on a long and narrow strip of paper that would then be hung in the doorway for the students to walk through like those beaded curtains, only on these strips of paper would be extraordinary positive and encouraging phrases that would make everyone feel accomplished and proud when they entered the classroom. he wrote "we'll get there we'll get there we'll get there" and the teacher looked at him and said, no, that is not positive enough, you need to think of another phrase, something better that represents a more tangible accomplishment, something that is already great and beautiful and successful.

he thinks to himself now of the perfect comeback, because of course those always come minutes or days or in this case, years too late. he thinks, who are you to say what accomplishment means to me? accomplishment is movement.